Subject: The Doormatt
Buffoon Test
Characteristic
Yes, indeed
Thankfully, no
Once Played for the Mets
Well, Dodgers 
 
Looks like a used car dealer from Long Island
 X
 
Whines and complains
 X
 
Unnecessarily acquired flop
 X
 
Likes race car driving
 
 ?
Is Lou Gorman
 Looks like him
 
Remembered for terrible mistake
 
 
Is a greedy bastard
 
Played well only when it didn't matter
 X
 
 
Sox hero test
Characteristic
Oh ya
Nope
Came up through Sox system
 
 X
Eccentric as hell, or at least a little
 
 X
Is a Boston guy
 
 X
We didn't care if he sucked
 
X 
Is Nomar Garciaparra
 
 X
Is not Lou Gorman, Bucky Dent or Mookie
 X
 
Never pitched a no-hitter and lost
 
X 
Whacked a homer in the World Series
 
 X
Regular guy who came up big when it counted
 
 X
 X
Verdict: The Doormatt is one of Fenway's clearest examples of a buffoon. Signed by Lou Gorman, The Doormatt has come to be a symbol of ineptitude, bad timing and desperation for Red Sox fans.